Lesson 12.5 - Discussion on Friendships and Relationships

Introduction

1. Welcome back to our Wednesday discussion on friendships and relationships and how each should be happening.
2. This topic is really critical, especially as we think about life - it’s what many of you are about to encounter or are actually encountering, and it’s something we need to make sure we’re thinking Biblically about it.
3. In a sense, it’s really funny that I would be talking about this, because I’m kind of the poster child for how not to do this.

Review from Sunday

1. So to recap from Sunday, what do we need to remember when we’re approaching these things?
1. First, our primary goal is not marriage, not relationships, not jobs, not anything related to the American Dream.
1. It’s very easy for us as Christians to start making things that are not the main thing into the main thing about life - whether that’s getting married, having a big house, driving a nice car.
2. When in reality, what CS Lewis says we’re doing is playing in the mud, having no idea that we’re being invited to a beach vacation by God.  We just can’t imagine it, and therefore we are content to make mud pies.
3. Now that’s not to say that getting married, living a nice house, driving a nice car are not good things.  In fact, getting married is probably the norm for where most of you will end up.
4. But what we’re saying is that if we make those things our goal, we’re missing why God put us here - to build our relationship with him first and foremost.
5. If we learn to relate to him - seek first his kingdom, like we talked about with seeking God’s will - then all these other things are going to fall into place.
6. So our primary goal in life should always be focus on the Lord first of all.
2. Second, we talked about the problems we have about relationships and romance as Americans - as unromantic as this sounds, there is not one person who will complete you, there is no one “magic” person made for you unless you’re married to them, and there is no magic formula that guarantees success in relationships.
1. If you need more details on those, we can discuss more, or you can check out the notes from Sunday about why these aren’t Scriptural concepts.
3. Third, we talked about five things that are critical to building solid relationships.
1. In First Thessalonians 4, Paul talks about the importance of walking in way that pleases God, and then explains what that is.  He says we should abstain from immorality, and we should know how to possess our bodies in holiness and honor, and that no one defraud or “wrong” his brother.
1. Remember that we all as Christians are brothers and sisters - we’re in the same family.  God is our heavenly father and he takes someone wronging another believer, particularly in this area of relationships, very, very seriously.
2. Now there isn’t in Scripture a list of things that in order to have good relationships as friends and toward marriage you need to do these 10 things.
3. But there is some wisdom about those issues, and on Sunday, we talked about five things that should mark good relationships that are between guys and girls toward marriage:
1. Leadership - the guy should be leading.  Setting the boundaries in the relationship, making sure he’s not setting things up for failure by going too far with a girl who is his sister in Christ, defining the relationship so that no one gets the wrong ideas about what they are doing - people can get led on very easily.  By leading in the relationship, you’re preparing to lead in the home, which is the guy’s job.
2. Intentionality - any relationship should have some direction.  It’s like a plant - if it’s not growing, it’s dead.  So any relationship should be intentionally growing.
3. Purposefulness - any relationship between a guy and girl that is exclusive should be moving toward marriage.
1. This element is key, because if you’re not in a position to get married within the next year or two after starting a relationship, it’s going to be awfully hard to move it towards marriage.
2. We have to be careful we don’t get stuck in the “friend zone” where no one is exactly sure what is happening.
3. And this may mean the girl has to end things if the guy is not purposefully moving toward marriage.
4. Parental Input - getting some input from your parents, which will look different with each relationship.  Honoring your parents is an important Scriptural principle, and they do have some good things for you as far as counsel goes.
5. Natural Growth - a relationship should grow as you get to know each other better.  There need to be boundaries, of course, but you don’t get a giant oak tree overnight after planting an acorn.  And hopefully you’ll at least like each other though this process.
2. So what we want to do now is try to take each of these different principles and apply them to some scenarios and talk through what is happening, what needs to happen, or what should have happened - both in friendships between

God’s Will, Friendships, and Relationships

1. Let’s address one other area when it comes to this - friendships between guys and girls.
1. There is something very healthy about having friendships with people of the opposite gender, in part because it helps you learn what qualities you’re looking for in a husband or wife one day.
2. But if all of your friendships with guys or with girls result in you asking yourself constantly, “is he the one” or “is she the one,” then you need to be very, very careful.
1. Remember our purpose in life is not to get married.  It’s not even to have great friends.
2. Our purpose is our relationship with the Lord.
3. And if any person is ever stepping in between you and the Lord, you need to take a long, hard look at whether that is the right thing for you at that time.
3. And I will say this - this is just me, but I don’t think it is possible for a girl or a guy to have their best friend be someone of the opposite gender.
1. If there’s something exclusive about the relationship or you are spending lots of time one-on-one, it should either be moving toward marriage or not be there at all.
2. You really do get in a situation where you’re going too far with your brother or sister if there is an exclusive nature to an opposite-gender relationship.
3. But if you’re in groups, hanging out, be friends - you can learn a lot, and grow a lot together through that process.
4. And always keep in mind that, when you’re in a relationship or married, your opposite gender friends are going to diminish in importance, because you should have your one best friend—the person you are married to.

Examples of Scenarios that Need Help

1. So with all of that as background I have several scenarios for us to talk through - the adventures of Walter and Sally - I tried to pick two names that no one in our class had, but we’re going to talk about their adventures here and see what we can figure out.
1. Friendship Problems
1. Walter and Sally are in the tuba choir at their church.  They hang out with the tuba choir as a group quite a bit, and usually have good conversations in a group context, but only see each other once a week or so at practice..
1. Let’s say Walter and Sally are 14 years old.  What should happen?
1. Are they both ready to get married or close to it?
2. What safeguards should be put in place now?
2. Now let’s say Walter and Sally are both 17 - does that change things?
2. Sally has decided that out of all the guys in the tuba choir, she likes Walter the best.  What should she do if she is 15 years old?
1. How about if she were 22?
2. Whose responsibility is it to initiate the relationship?
3. Now let’s say Walter and Sally are the only two tuba players in the entire church - amazingly enough.  They sit together every Sunday and Wednesday at practice, they talk all the time, they send each other emails several times a week and all their friends get annoyed that they won’t talk to anyone but each other.
1. What if they are 16?  What’s going on?
2. Problems?
3. How about 23?
4. Does something need to happen here?  Like, define the relationship?
4. Forget the tuba choir.  Now Walter and Sally were really good friends through high school and now go to the same college, Our Lady of Perpetual Touchdowns University.  Walter is interested in going to the next level with Sally, but is afraid that she doesn’t see him as anything more than a good friend, and if she says no, it will damage their friendship.  What should happen?
1. Take risk
2. Shouldn’t have closest friend be Sally
2. Relationship Problems
1. Walter asks Sally to go to lunch with him.  They have a nice time together at Denny’s, but when the check comes, Walter asks the waiter to split the check.  What should happen?
1. What’s not happening?  Not leading - are they even on a date or outing or whatever they’re doing?
2. Walter and Sally are co-workers at the ice rink where Walter is the DJ and Sally is the zamboni driver.  Walter isn’t a Christian, but Sally really thinks he’s a sweet guy.  They’re both 21 and enjoy hanging out together.
1. What’s happening?  What should happen?
3. Walter and Sally don’t know each other at all, but meet at a friend’s house during a football game between Georgia and North by Northwestern University.  Walter is a sweet 28 year old guy, and the mutual friend says he’s a strong Christian.  He has a good job.  Sally is 22 and enjoys getting to know him through the evening, and then he friends her on Facebook the next day.  After a few casual messages are exchanged, what should happen?
3. Friend Zone Problems
1. Sally really likes Walter (they’re both attending Georgia Tech and participate in the Robot Club on campus (I’m assuming Tech has a club where people study robots, right?)) and tries to let him see that by washing his clothes each weekend and bringing him food several times a week.  Walter isn’t particularly interested in Sally, but really likes having free laundry and food service.  What’s going on?  What needs to happen?

What You’re Looking For

1. When you think about the area of friendships and relationships, it’s pretty daunting.
2. But now is the chance in your teen years to begin discovering what those qualities are that you’re drawn to and what that looks like lived out.
1. So, I’m guessing, girls, that a guy who is 27 years old, living in his parents’ basement, and has no job beyond playing Call of Duty: Black Ops is not going to be that attractive.  But why?
3. Remember, trajectory is key - you’re never going to find someone with the spiritual and mental maturity that you would think ideal.  So you look at where they’re headed.
4. As you notice people around you, think about what things about them are attractive - let’s talk about some.
1. Ok, let’s start out with guys - what things make a guy attractive (personality, not looks)
2. Ok, same thing - what qualities about a young lady make her attractive?
5. So in your friendships right now - here’s the chance to watch people in action.
1. Learn from people in groups what they’re interested in, what they’re passionate about.
2. If they’re a vegetarian and you can’t get enough steak, file that away - it may be useful one day and help you see an area of incompatibility.

Conclusion